What does it mean to be happy? As I sit and ponder the thought of this I can hear all of the quotes that I recite to myself. All of the motivation speeches I have heard, All of the long talks with family and friends, The books that I have read and even the random post on social media my eyes have encountered have spoken of this. And still I sit here wondering what the hell does it mean to be happy.
I remember spans of my life that I just had a smile on my face. I took so many pictures. I wasn’t where I wanted to be in life, but I damn sure enjoyed the moment. Whether it was that specific moment that made up for that span in my life, I don’t know. I’ve always said that life is too short to be anything but happy and while this is true I have found myself moping around and completely lost within myself. I haven’t been able to bring that genuine smile back that I have had for quite some time. I can’t say that I do not recall what happened, but I know that some situations have changed me. And mostly those situations had nothing to do with me. Well it had something to do with m… I was too trusting and too nice …but why should I be upset with myself for doing that.
I’ve been upset with myself for showing others kindness and being taken advantage of. This has made me question who I am as a person because if I was an asshole, I would not be in the situation that I am in now. I would be in a better spot. I should have had a wall built up. I should have been selfish and said f*&k everybody. I should have not helped anyone in need. I should have been downright evil………but that isn’t me. And what is the point in being cold in a world that was meant to shine brighter than the summer sun?
I’ve been angry at myself for being a good person…..But as I sit here and think about it, this has got to be the dumbest shit I have ever heard in my life. I am mad about this??? This shit!!?? I should be mad at the assholes who took advantage of my kindness or even used me. But the kind person inside me just says to forgive them and move on…but you can’t move on from something that can affect you in the long run.
For the past year, I have been dealing with multiple cases of my personal information being used by individuals that I thought were my friends. This situation has affected my credit and also my finances. I’ve struggled with trying to clear my name, obtain lawyers, and then secure the funds to pay for legal aid. I don’t even know if this all could be cleared. I don’t know if my finances are completely ruined. I’m basically in purgatory and it sucks. I know that I have to do something before the statute of limitations expires but I’ve just been so depressed the past few months about it because I felt like I haven’t gotten anywhere with it. I had a loan attempt on my name. I had a business created in my name that I had no part in. I had to replace all my credit cards. I’ve been getting billed for stuff that I didn’t even buy. I just been going through it. I’ve tried to say that everything was okay but I could tell things weren’t because I couldn’t even write anymore and I love writing…………..I have been feeling defeated.
Yesterday, I had a friend reach out to me. Each time for the past three months when this friend asked me to meet up and talk I declined. When they asked me what was wrong I said everything was fine. I am always fine………well that is what I always say……But yesterday, I decided to just spill it all. I was stuck in traffic last night after the gym. I was sitting in my car just talking on the bluetooth speaker and telling my friend what really was going on. I finally had the courage to speak on all of this. As soon as I finished saying everything that happened a car slammed into the back of me. I just wanted to cry………
I was at a breaking point. Everything that was going wrong in my life, I finally decided to open up and speak about it and THEN THIS!!! Yesterday evening I was angry. I was angry when I was sitting in my car. I was angry when the cop was creating the report. And I just sat there feeling defeated because I felt overwhelmed with life. I drove home with my head pounding. I don’t know if it was from the accident or just from my feelings…but as I pulled up in my driveway I started thinking about how I finally was at a point to turn my life around, and then I got hit…….I was ready to be happy again and let all that hurt go and then someone slammed into my car………I was so close…………. I was almost there with my healing…..
“Never let a minor issue impede your overall progress”
This is something that I have told myself all throughout life. Whether it was with my studies, personal ventures, or whatever. I’ve always been the type of person who will push through and make it to the end no matter what. I will work even when I am sick because I truly believe in reaching my end goal no matter what. I can’t let little things stop me from accomplishing MAJOR goals………….In other words, I can’t let this accident stop me from being happy…. Because I worked too damn hard to get to that point on November 12th, 2019 at 6:30pm.
I can’t sweat the small stuff. I just can’t allow myself to do that anymore. I have to be happy. I choose to be happy. That’s how I want it. No longer can I be upset with myself for being kind to others. Sure what happened to me sucks and will probably take so much time and money to clear up…. But I can no longer allow all of that to deter me from being me …Good ole happy Monica…….
Life’s too short to be anything but happy. I say this over and over and over again. And I apologize to myself for forgetting this. Sometimes life is rough, but you can’t let that get you all the way down. There is always something to be happy about. And sometimes it is hard to find it. Sometimes it is VERY, VERY, VERY hard lol. But the rain doesn’t last forever……I’m happy that I am finally getting out of this rainy season of my life…….
-Monica Renata